President Trump Calls the Mother of a Fallen Soldier

Mrs. O’Roarke? President Donald J. Trump here. How are ya?

Trump Phone

Great. Great. That’s just great.

OK, look, I’m taking a break from Making America Great Again, a break from all the important stuff I do, to tell you that your son, Staff Sergeant James Henry O’Roarke, is dead. OK? He’s dead. Sad! So sad.

Hmm? John? Not James? John? That’s what I said. Totally said John.

Here’s what happened, OK? John, John, OK? He was over in Iraq, or maybe Iran, I don’t know. One of the countries where it’s all dirty and everyone’s a terrorist. Shouldn’t have been there, in my opinion. Totally shouldn’t have been there.

But, OK, fine, he was there, and he got shot – pop! – right in the head. I mean, wow, right between the eyes. Million to one shot, OK? Million to one. Great shot. Great shot.

So, like I said, he’s dead. And you should know it wasn’t my fault, OK? Wasn’t my fault. I’m sure he was a nice guy, but not my fault. Check that with the papers. Papers say it wasn’t my fault, OK?

Your son was a soldier. Good guy. I like the soldiers. I love the soldiers. I love all the soldiers. All the soldiers. And they love me, OK? I mean, wow, do the soldiers love me.

I could’ve been a soldier. I wanted to be shot. OK? I wanted to be shot. I wasn’t. High draft number. Huge draft number. So I never got shot.

Your son got shot, though. Bam. Million to one shot. Right in the head. Great shot.

Hey, these video calls are pretty great, huh? Pretty great. Nice rack, by the way. Great knockers. Just, wow. Real nice set. Is there a Mr. O’Roarke? Lucky man. Lucky man.

O’Roarke. Is that Irish? I love the Irish. Great drinkers, the Irish.

OK, I gotta go. I got thousands of these calls to make. Not fair. I’m a good talker. Great talker. The best talker. But not fair I gotta call all these people, with the crying and the sobbing. Not fair.

Smell ya later.

Christ, what a bitch. Hmm? What? Didn’t hang up yet?

Mrs. O’Roarke? I was totally kidding. Totally kidding about the bitch thing. You’re great. You’re just great. Everyone loves me.


copyright 2016 David Cornelius all rights reserved

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