Hi, I’m country music super-legend Hank Narlow. You know, I’m getting sick and tired of having my Constitutional rights threatened by lily-livered liberals who think they know what’s best, and I bet you are, too. Our freedoms are under attack every day. Our freedom to worship the Lord in public. Our freedom to say what we feel without repercussion. And our freedom to bear arms. Specifically, our freedom to own radioactive cobras.
That’s why I stand proudly with the National Radioactive Cobra Association, America’s oldest, bravest, and loudest organization dedicated to preserving the rights and liberties of law-abiding radioactive cobra owners from sea to shining sea.
We at the NRCA are fed up with all the left-wingers blaming radioactive cobras for every radioactive cobra attack that happens in this country. Yes, there are bad people out there who get their hands on radioactive cobras, but that doesn’t mean everyone who owns radioactive cobras is bad. Why, I own hundreds of radioactive cobras, but I’ve never gone on a radioactive cobra killing spree, except maybe the time I murdered that kid in Florida, which the court was OK with, so I suppose it legally doesn’t count.
Which brings me to self-defense. How am I supposed to protect my family from all the radioactive cobra-weilding thugs and punks out there if I don’t have a box full of radioactive cobras in every room of my house, within easy reach, right where my kids can get to them? After all, the only way to stop a bad guy with a radioactive cobra is… well, you know.
And what about these limp-wristed pinko types who want to blame the people who breed, radiate, and sell cobras for what happens when some criminal or terrorist gets his hands on them? Look, what happens after a multi-million dollar corporation subjects a snake to unnatural levels of gamma rays and then sells it, unregulated, to the public at large is none of their concern. Whatever happened to the American idea of personal responsibility? I thank God there are laws on the books preventing victims of radioactive cobra massacres from hiring some East Coast lawyer and taking innocent mom and pop radioactive cobra shops to court.
The National Radioactive Cobra Association works hard to build the bridge between cobra irratiators and legislators to ensure efforts to violate the Constitution will be thwarted at every turn. And make no mistake: when the cobra irradiation industry says the only way to solve America’s radioactive cobra crisis is to buy more radioactive cobras, well, you can be darn sure I believe ’em.
As for decent, honest, all-American radioactive cobra enthusiasts like you and me? Why, whether you want to own radioactive cobras for sport, self-defense, or a fun day down at the radioactive cobra range, the NCRA has your ba— son of a bitch, I just got bit.
Welp, I suppose I just have a few moments before the radiation-filled poison makes its way through my bloodstream. I’ll leave you with these parting words from the one Amendment that protects the rest: “A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear obscene amounts of venomous reptiles that have been exposed to any manner of highly dangerous nuclear materials, thereby making them an apocalyptic force previously unknown to nature, killing machines that laugh in the face of God Himself, shall not be infrinnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggkklkgkgkgltkgkgkgkgltgkgk
copyright 2016 David Cornelius all rights reserved