James Bond’s secret.

“You’ve got a secret,” Moneypenny tells James Bond in the just-released teaser trailer for SPECTRE. “Something you can’t tell anyone because you don’t trust anyone.” But just what is 007’s big secret?


Examining the trailer closely, we see hints at several possibilities. Here are the most likely scenarios:

– has six toes on left foot
– never learned to read
– brother is Gary “U.S.” Bonds
– Netflix queue is nothing but Nash Bridges DVDs
– still doesn’t like the Beatles
– always eats a couple grapes before paying
– had to ask M if “Pussy Galore” was “some kind of sex reference or something”
– yearns to be nicknamed “Jambone”
– was once sued by Huey Lewis for plagiarism, unable to discuss case due to terms of settlement
– two words: yodeler fetish
– hasn’t been in his office since 1969, isn’t really sure where it is
– owns world’s second largest collection of original Gil Thorp artwork
– didn’t “get” Birdman
– medicine cabinet a veritable museum of VD treatments
– doesn’t know lyrics to “Skyfall”
– is D.B. Cooper
– still owes £473.26 to Columbia House
– once farted in MI6 elevator, blamed it on Q
– can never remember name of any woman he’s slept with, calls them all “Sweetcakes” and hopes they don’t notice
– has absolutely no idea about martinis, has been faking it for decades
– just wants to be loved

copyright 2015 David Cornelius all rights reserved


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