So here’s the thing about spiders. Most of them are harmless, really. And most of them will do you the favor of eating up any other bugs that might crawl or fly into your home, which is handy, when you think about it, especially since they do it for free. Most of them are tiny and wish to keep to themselves. Most of them are not in any way a danger to you or your loved ones.
I tell you all of that so you know I’m no arachnophobe. I don’t have a problem with spiders. Really, I don’t. Trust me on that, OK? We good? We understand each other?
OK, good, because Arthur is a piece of shit.
Oh, I forgot to mention: Arthur is a spider. A Marbled Orb Weaver, which he’ll tell you every chance he gets. You know, one of those spiders that wants to cram their culture down your throat. He buys books to make himself look smart but never reads them. He listens to shitty spida rap. (As if Arthur knows anything about “thug life.” Dude grew up in the suburbs. He’s such a warantula.) He tells the same spider jokes he yells at other people for telling, but, you know, “it’s not racist when I does it,” he says, blah blah blah. He never does the dishes. He never vacuums. He never cleans the bathroom when it’s his turn. And he stole my girlfriend.
Like I said, piece of shit.
The first time was back in April. Melanie and I had been dating for three weeks. I brought her back to my place. Arthur told me he’d head out for the night. You know, give us some privacy. But he came home early anyway, cracked some joke about how he didn’t think I needed the extra time, hardy har. He started making eyes with Melanie, pulling out the charm, making the moves, never mind that I’m right there the whole time.
Two days later, Melanie stops by but I’m not home. Arthur breaks out the sweet talk, and then the wine coolers, and then… yeah.
Worst part? He never even called her back. Banged my girl just to do it, then blew the whole thing off like just another one of his conquests.
Piece. Of. Shit.
Last week, the whole thing happened again, this time with Kelly. We were going great until one day, I’m not home, she stops by, smooth talk, wine coolers.
I know he’s doing it just to be a dick. He thinks it’s funny, banging two women before I got the chance. Yeah, that’s hilarious.
Oh, and he also borrowed fifty bucks from me, like, four months ago, and still hasn’t paid me back. Every time I bring it up, he’s all “yeah, I’m working on it, man.”
I don’t know. I want to move out but can’t afford rent all by myself. So I guess I’m stuck living with this asshole, at least until the lease is up.
So, yeah, it’s not that I hate all spiders. It’s just I’ve had some bad experiences, you know?
Piece of shit.
His sister’s really hot, though.
copyright 2014 David Cornelius all rights reserved